Skip navigation

And like the emotional and sentimental fool that I am these last few days (more so than ever) I’m going to fall asleep listening and singing along to this song. It just feels right to do when everything about me feels so wrong.

I once had a penpal. She was Japanese and she lived in Fukushima.

I met her on a chat site that probably doesn’t exist anymore. I was in my freshman year of high school and had just discovered the internetz. I purchase a Sega Dreamcast on 9/9/99 (remember the commercials?). I remember it so clearly and much of it thanks to MTV. That year, on that date, they aired an award program. I can’t remember if it was the movie or music awards, though.

Her sister was an opera singer. We decided to write each other because I didn’t know much about this so called Internet. After a few weeks of waiting and having to hear from her promise that she had indeed sent me a letter and wasn’t lying, a package arrived in the mail. She sent me a souvenir from Tokyo Disney, a Winnie the Pooh handkerchief and the cutest hand-written letter with pictures of her and some friends. They were taken in a photo booth. I sent her a picture of myself and a copy of Shakira’s first CD. I remember telling her how great Shakira was and that one day she was going to be big in Japan. I am sure she found out, saw her in concert, and probably thought of me once or twice. I’d like to think that the idea of me crossed her mind as egoistical as that sounds. I hope she is fine because these past few days I have been thinking about her like never before and admit that I feel saddened by many things which of course include the devastation that japan is going through and not keeping in touch with her as I should have. Thanks to my hoarding mother, that letter still exists and the handkerchief has been kept intact. The envelope is missing but I’m sure that if I look for it hard enough, I’ll find it. I want to know what happened to her. I hope she is ok. I thought about her in the past. Several times actually but it’s one of those situations where you realize that so much time has passed by that it’s too late to try and contact someone. Then when you realize you should have done so, it probably is too late.

I need to find that envelope, that address. Not that I will go there and look for her (I wish I could), but maybe I can at least find out that she is ok if she did still live there…

I am very saddened by all of this. I know this means nothing but my mom and I are thinking about you. With a letter you created a huge impression upon us that for years and many reasons, even up until this day, we still mention you. I hope you find yourself doing well wherever you are.

I’ve decided to take a break from Facebook and Twitter for a while. I don’t know how long but if you need to get a hold of me you know where I live, you know my number (it’s on my info tab) do in the meantime I’ll be blogging. Yes I am taking to my blog to make no important announcements, just the usual garbage. See ya around!

Earlier today I wrote a blog but thanks to some act of happenstance, my iPhone froze and the WordPress App didn’t save nor post it. I was writing about Jenny from the Showtime series “The L Word”.

Remember how she wrote a book about based on her life and in it were the juicy details of her friends and their lives? I struggle with the idea of how to keep people in my life anonymous while still writing about them and not making it blatantly obvious as to who they are. I really don’t want to upset anyone. I’m not that cold. But rest assured that if your name is Tina, I won’t call you Gina, on here.

I was talking to my ex/best friend, Alex, earlier today about it. I am just tired of holding back. Sometimes I feel like I’m stuck in some kind of “being” limbo. I try to keep a well balanced life, to be nice to people and pretend to be a nice, laid-back, and down to earth guy, but I don’t think that’s me at all. I actually hate all those words and terms. I just am who I am and you’d think that at my age, 27 years old, I would by now be over all this but deep down inside I want to feel like everyone else, be liked, etc. Boo hoo right?

I was telling him about what happened a couple of days. I was bad. The thing that I just can’t get over is that honestly that night I encountered a side of me I had not seen in many years. But that doesn’t matter. This is like the Olympics and no one cares if they’ve seen you do that tumbling pass on the balance beam a gazillion times and now it’s Showtime and you crack under the spotlight and fall. No one cares. It’s all about now and how bad you fucked up.

I fucked up. I’ll admit it. And I was miserable about it all day yesterday but I am over it now and there is nothing I can do so please, I’ve moved on. If you’ve known me for some time know you know I’ve been a hot mess, a lot! What does one more time mean when you put it that way? Nothing. At least that’s how I should think.

But.

Not that you’ll believe me, I’ll have you know I have changed a lot of my ways. There are things I am currently working on and it’s hard and nights like that just make me want to wish it all to hell and run back into my anti-social shell. You know, the one I just recently announced I had come out of? And no one will believe that I have changed and that’s fine. It’s like that fucked up tumbling pass that was butchered and you’ll be remembered as the loser, the fuck up.

I am critical of others. And I’ll be critical of myself too even more so. I hate myself for Monday night. I was telling Alex, the only person in this world that understands me and loves me for who I am, all this. I cried I was so mad.

He told me not to worry about it and that “they” would probably never want to invite me anywhere else because of the way I supposedly think I behaved myself. So blunt with me that guy is. And were it another couple and one said this to the other and probably added in there “and maybe you should stop being a lush while you’re at it?” a fight would ensue. But no… I was pleased with his negative but truthful answer. And I was over it. He’s right. It’s like in the Olympics! Sometimes, after so much, you only get one chance and I’m fucked! If I could see him, if I would touch him, I would kiss him for this and more.

You are thinking this is all too vague. “what truly happened Juan!?”

It’s a long story (isn’t it always when you would rather not say it?) but I’ve indulged in an Ambien and I can’t think clearly and go into detail BUT I will soon. You just wait chile, this will all piece itself together. Right now I need to call AT&T, Clear, someone to come out and hook me up with some wifi because Juwonn has a lot to tell you and not enough internetz to let it all out.

I don’t know who Paulina is but she could stop being cheisty with her wifi and hook a brotha up! I need to befriend her.

Keep it surreal.

~j

I have started this blog to get back into writing. I hope to share my ideas and stories with you in depth since social networking sites like Twitter and Facebook are not always the appropriate sites to do so. Look forward to more posts in the upcoming days. Thanks!

~J